One step at a time

So part of the journey to being a better me and a better wife and mother is being healthy. I've recently decided to put forth the real effort to not just purse my dream of writing but to be in the best shape possible for me.

That began with changing my eating habits. When you have an infant easy is always better. Fast, quick, and the least amount of clean up possible please. In the beginning you are so sleep deprived that cooking is dangerous because you may very well fall asleep in the middle of it. Then your tiny baby because this little person that you want to play with so much the thought of cooking and leaving him alone while you do it breaks your heart. So there is a lot of fast food in your life. Now I know this isn't true for everyone but in my case it was. My husband's idea of cooking is hot dogs... and that's it. It was so much easier to go through the drive thru or sit in a restaurant and let someone else cook it and bring it to you.

So this household has given up fast food and eating out for the most part. You can't cut yourself off completely because then you crave it so much that when you break you binge. We don't want that. So we are limiting our eating out to once a week and even then to make the healthiest choices possible. Not always easy in restaurants but I will do what I can.

My cooking is changing too. Healthier choices at home as much as out. More fish and chicken and less hamburgers and steak. Not to0 mention giving up the nightly routine of Reese cups. Cooking breakfast instead of something that comes out of the microwave and carrots over snack size bag of chips.

On top of the food there is the exercise. I'm a mom. Finding the time to exercise when my only free time comes during a nap is not so easy. Especially when you add in the laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, etc. that have to be done during these precious few hours of napping. When I can I take walks with Angel but some days it just doesn't work into the routine. So recently I've decided to just move more. I crank up the CD player and dance around the house. I can do it in one trip but purposely make myself take two. I dance with Angel. I dance with my husband. I just move.

Then there comes the most important part. My support system. My wonderful husband who does everything he can to encourage me to be better. He supports me and cheers me on. On the good days he is proud of me and on the bad days he reassures me I will have better days. He keeps me going and makes sure I don't give up.

All of this adds up to the ten pounds I have lost in the last week and a half. A pound a day is my goal and some days I exceed my goal.

I am going to be that mom who can run around with her little boy at the park. I am going to be that wife on my husband's arm that other men are jealous of. I am going to be a woman I am proud to see look back at me in the mirror.

Well maybe I've already done that last one, but it can't hurt to make her a little prouder. One step at a time.

Voices in my head

Growing up I always had voices in my head. So very man stories that I wanted to write about. People and places and scenes that played out and there was never enough time to write them all down. I spun so many stories that my stories bled into each other. Sequels, trilogies, series. So many different stories and characters spilling out of my head and yet sometimes the same ones would pop up over and over again.

It was my passion, what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I would write and have best sellers and sell millions and people would get lost in the worlds I created just like I got lost in them.

There aren't so many voices anymore. They faded over time, with age though I'm not that old. Now the voice in my head is mine and I find there is only one story that I want to tell. There are a million stories out there about Army wives. There is even a television show. There aren't my story though and I am more than just an Army wife. So I am writing my story. About being me, about being a wife, about being an Army wife, about being a mom, about being a daughter and a sister and a dreamer.

If I close my eyes I can still hear a couple of those voices. I can still play out the scenes and tell the stories in my head. Fiction is great, but there's nothing like reality and I have had one hell of a journey so far. Maybe not that many people would care, but I know I do. So maybe it isn't a best seller. Maybe it won't see millions. But it is still my passion.

Besides, sometimes the most important voice in your head is your own.

Voices from the past

Wow, it hit me today that its been 14 years since I graduated high school. I only realized this today because I heard a voice over the phone that I haven't heard since then. Its been 14 years since I was a kid. I say that only because that voice jokingly threatened to jump off a bridge from depression because she just realized we are old.

I don't feel old. I don't think I look old. Nope, I'm not old and I know that because of that voice.

I haven't laughed so much in ages. It's funny how people change and grow and yet there are others that no matter how much we change we can still laugh with. Maybe because we were friends 14 years ago. Or maybe because of the paths we have chosen we have things in our lives that make us friends now. Maybe it's because we both wear glasses. Maybe it's because she's tall and I'm short. Maybe it's because we are both mothers at 32. Maybe it's because we know what dorks we use to be in high school. Maybe it's because we both still dorks now.

I can't believe it's been almost a decade and a half since I walked across that stage. Though I may go back to my high school every year for a fund raiser I have no real contact with anyone I knew back then. Yes, there is Facebook and I am thankful for that because it lead to the phone call today. I don't talk much to my former classmates even on Facebook though. Maybe because our lives now don't really give us much to talk about that the other would really care about. Or maybe it's because we don't take the time to try and find that connection again. I think it's really because people do grow up and they do change.

I am not the quiet, shy girl I was in high school. My husband can attest to that. At least the not being quiet part. I am stronger now. I am more open now. I am more me now. And despite the 14 years between high school and today I was not nervous to talk to my old friend. In fact, from the moment I heard her voice I felt like we were sitting in class again talking about surviving the S.E.E.P. At the same time though, I felt like I had made a new friend, someone who understands me now and likes me. That I am very grateful for.

So thank you, Athena, for making me laugh for over an hour. For making me feel like a normal mom and wife. For rejoices in our chubby babies and our crazy deliveries. For reminding me I do have friends out there in the world that knew me way back when and can like me now. For making me realize that I am kind of normal after all.

It's been 14 years since high school. I am looking forward to future and the people in it.

Smile

I know it has been awhile since my last post. Part of that was I was on vacation with my wonderful little family. Part of it was being busy with my sweet little boy. Part of it was just being lazy. At least I am being honest, right?

Today though I wanted to share something I experienced the other day. I was out running errands on Tuesday with my husband and son. Just another day of things to do. Nothing major, just things that needed to be done.

I found myself in an office talking to a receptionist at one point. I was finishing up and getting ready to leave when she said something to me that just made my day.

"Have you ever heard the saying 'Your smile is contagious'? Well yours is. Your smile makes me want to smile. I just wanted to let you know that."

I don't go out of my way to be nice to strangers. I don't go out of my way to be mean to strangers. I smile when I am happy and I had been spending the say with my family so I was happy. I guess that shows in my smile. That's not the first time someone has commented on my smile either and I know it won't be the last. That's not meant to be conceited. I just know that when I smile I light up because I'm happy.

My husband loves my smile. I have members of my family who tell me I have a nice smile. There is something about having a complete stranger saying though that warms your heart.

I want the world to smile when I smile. When I'm happy I want the world to be happy too. So here is today's lesson ladies and gentleman. Smile and the world will smile with you. Smile at the strangers on the street and they will smile back. And when you see a stranger smiling at you smile back. Spread the love. Make the world a better place for yourself and for your loved ones.

I know I'm going to keep smiling so that they people around me smile and my son learns to smile too.

Simply disgusted

As a mother my heart is broken by what I have witnessed today. Casey Anthony was found not guilty of murdering her two-year-old daughter Caylee 2008. I believe it was a sad display of justice.

The world around me has erupted in disbelief and anger over this verdict. It seems to me that only the 12 jurors, the Anthony defense team and a handful of other people believe this woman to be innocent. I keep hearing the prosecution didn't do their job in proving their case but I disagree.

The woman's little girl was missing for over a month before she even mentioned it to anyone. She lied about having last seen her with a babysitter that didn't even exist. She admits the little girl drown in the pool but then she wrapped her in trash bags and duct tape and threw her in the woods like trash? Then to go about your life partying and going out while her child was still "missing?" How can anyone not believe she, at the very least, had something to do with the death of her daughter?

I am heartbroken and disgusted by this whole case. As a human being, a woman, and a mother this sickens me. This beautiful innocent little girl who wanted nothing more then to be loved had her life ended heartlessly by someone who was suppose be the one to love her. She did not ask to be born and had her mother decided she did not want that joy or responsibility then there were options open to her. She had grandparents that adored her that surely would have taken her in. If that weren't an option then there is always outside adoption. There is never a reason in the world to hurt your child.

I feel let down by the American justice system. Or maybe I feel let down by the human race. That a mother could do this to her child. That men and women could let her get away with it. That should someone decide to take this matter into their own hands and find justice for Caylee then they will end up in jail instead of the true monster.

I have no faith in mankind anymore. We have given up on each other and ourselves. I pray for Caylee. May she know the love and peace now that she missed out on in her far too short life.