This is 34

I still can't believe it despite the fact that its been true for almost a week now.  I'm 34 years old.  I can't believe it because there are days I don't feel that old and days I feel much, much older.

Ten years ago I was living in Florida and living the crazy life of a young woman in her twenties.  I was having fun and my only thoughts toward the future was that I wasn't getting married and I wasn't having kids.  I wasn't putting much thought into what I would be doing either.  Who would have guessed how different things would be.

So this is 34 to me.  I'm a mother of two who has too much to do and not enough time to get it all done.  I don't eat right, don't get enough sleep, haven't bought myself new clothes since Bush was in office, never seem to get my house clean enough, do laundry at least every other day if not every day, get a hair cut once, maybe twice, a year if I'm really lucky, maybe wear make-up less than that, live in my flip flops because shoes and socks take too much time to put on, and wonder where the girl who wanted to be an author went too.

To me, 34 means being a mother to my almost two-year-old son who has autism.  It means days spent doing therapy either at home or in centers.  It means doctor appointments and repeating one word 7,000 times a day in the hopes that Angel will repeat it.  It means constantly getting him to stand up straight, don't put things in his mouth, don't hit erratically when he gets even the slightest bit upset, and treating that single word he finally says like he has figured out the meaning of life and the whole word should celebrate.

To me, 34 means being a mother to my four-month-old daughter who thinks she is fourteen.  It means days of washing the same bibs I washed yesterday because she drools so much from teething.  It means bottles and formula and cereal, moving her from the bouncy to the swing to the Bumbo to my arms every five minutes because she gets upset she can't just do it all herself.  It means encouraging Bella when she shakes her rattle or reaches for her bugs or just smiles the most beautiful smile in the world because she sees her mommy.

To me, 34 means being a wife to my soldier.  It means washing his laundry, picking up his shoes, making dinner, unloading and loading the dishwasher, and sweeping up the dirt his boots track in.  It means knowing he will miss most of his kids' appointments and mine and wondering what time he'll be home at night and if he will be called away in the middle of a holiday.  It means hearing him leave at 5:30 every morning for pt, the scratch of Velcro on his uniform when he takes his top off, and knowing the first thing he wants to do when he comes through the door every day is kiss me.

To me, 34 means life is nothing like I expected it would be, but being grateful for the journey and the outcome.  Tim McGraw has a song about his next thirty years.  I might borrow the idea for a moment.  In my next 34 years, I'm going to enjoy watching my kids grow up and conquer the world, see new exciting places with my husband, and learn that sometimes being the best for everyone else means do what's best for me first.  In my next 34 years I'm going learn if the girl I use to be is still inside the woman I've become.

Happy birthday to me... a few days later. :-)

Milestones

Life is full of milestones.  As a parent you begin to take notice of the typical ones.  The first smile, the first time they roll over, the first time they sit up, crawl, stand, and walk.  The first word, first sentence, first time they point to something or ask for something, and the first time they say I love you.  From that very first moment it is all about milestones for your children, but there are milestones as a parent too.

That moment when you find out you're expecting, the first ultrasound, the first heartbeat that sounds like a washing machine, and that moment your precious baby comes screaming into the world.  That's just the first nine months.  There's also that first night you survive getting up every couple of hours, that swelling in your heart when that soft little head lays against your chest, and that first bath when you have managed to keep the baby above water but soak yourself.

So many milestones and we take so many of them for granted.  Notice them, as many as possible.

Lately I've noticed a few and I'm so grateful I took the time to catch them.  My baby girl, my Bella boo, is reaching and grasping.  She loves to beat up her butterfly on her car seat, smack the bugs attached to her bouncy seat, and shake her rattles until she forgets how to let go.  My itty bitty baby has become aware of her surroundings and is interacting with them.  I'm so proud of her and can't wait to see what new thing she figures out next.

I've also noticed that my snuggle bear, my Angel has accomplished so much recently.  In fact, today alone we had two huge accomplishments.  The first being he mimicked Mommy saying ball.  He's never done that before and I was so proud.  There was lots of encouraging words and clapping and cookies involved.  The second was that he passed his target goal of commands.  Commands being his attempt at communicating be it vocally or with signs.  A "normal" child his age has 900 commands a day.  Angel's target goal in a four hour period is 50.  When his ABA therapist left today Angel had 57 commands on the counter.  For most moms this may not seem like much but to this mom is it a huge deal.

These are the milestones that make up my days.  All those precious ones that are occurring in Bella's first year.  Every tiny new thing she does that makes my heart swell is so amazing.  I'm so proud of her and so in awe of her as she explores her new world.  She makes me want to pull all my hair out some days but she is still my favorite daughter, still the most beautiful girl in the world, and still one of the loves of my life.

All those amazing things Angel accomplishes in overcoming the obstacles of autism make my heart swell as well.  I am so proud of how much he has learned and succeeded at in this journey.  I'm so proud of how proud he is at everything new he is learning to do.  There are moments I wish he could just tell me what he wants or how he's feeling but he is still my favorite son, still the most handsome boy in the world, and still one of the loves of my life.

Life is full of milestones.  For your children, for yourselves, for everyone.  Take the time to notice them, to celebrate them.  They are all amazing and that are markers in this journey we call life.