This is 34

I still can't believe it despite the fact that its been true for almost a week now.  I'm 34 years old.  I can't believe it because there are days I don't feel that old and days I feel much, much older.

Ten years ago I was living in Florida and living the crazy life of a young woman in her twenties.  I was having fun and my only thoughts toward the future was that I wasn't getting married and I wasn't having kids.  I wasn't putting much thought into what I would be doing either.  Who would have guessed how different things would be.

So this is 34 to me.  I'm a mother of two who has too much to do and not enough time to get it all done.  I don't eat right, don't get enough sleep, haven't bought myself new clothes since Bush was in office, never seem to get my house clean enough, do laundry at least every other day if not every day, get a hair cut once, maybe twice, a year if I'm really lucky, maybe wear make-up less than that, live in my flip flops because shoes and socks take too much time to put on, and wonder where the girl who wanted to be an author went too.

To me, 34 means being a mother to my almost two-year-old son who has autism.  It means days spent doing therapy either at home or in centers.  It means doctor appointments and repeating one word 7,000 times a day in the hopes that Angel will repeat it.  It means constantly getting him to stand up straight, don't put things in his mouth, don't hit erratically when he gets even the slightest bit upset, and treating that single word he finally says like he has figured out the meaning of life and the whole word should celebrate.

To me, 34 means being a mother to my four-month-old daughter who thinks she is fourteen.  It means days of washing the same bibs I washed yesterday because she drools so much from teething.  It means bottles and formula and cereal, moving her from the bouncy to the swing to the Bumbo to my arms every five minutes because she gets upset she can't just do it all herself.  It means encouraging Bella when she shakes her rattle or reaches for her bugs or just smiles the most beautiful smile in the world because she sees her mommy.

To me, 34 means being a wife to my soldier.  It means washing his laundry, picking up his shoes, making dinner, unloading and loading the dishwasher, and sweeping up the dirt his boots track in.  It means knowing he will miss most of his kids' appointments and mine and wondering what time he'll be home at night and if he will be called away in the middle of a holiday.  It means hearing him leave at 5:30 every morning for pt, the scratch of Velcro on his uniform when he takes his top off, and knowing the first thing he wants to do when he comes through the door every day is kiss me.

To me, 34 means life is nothing like I expected it would be, but being grateful for the journey and the outcome.  Tim McGraw has a song about his next thirty years.  I might borrow the idea for a moment.  In my next 34 years, I'm going to enjoy watching my kids grow up and conquer the world, see new exciting places with my husband, and learn that sometimes being the best for everyone else means do what's best for me first.  In my next 34 years I'm going learn if the girl I use to be is still inside the woman I've become.

Happy birthday to me... a few days later. :-)

Milestones

Life is full of milestones.  As a parent you begin to take notice of the typical ones.  The first smile, the first time they roll over, the first time they sit up, crawl, stand, and walk.  The first word, first sentence, first time they point to something or ask for something, and the first time they say I love you.  From that very first moment it is all about milestones for your children, but there are milestones as a parent too.

That moment when you find out you're expecting, the first ultrasound, the first heartbeat that sounds like a washing machine, and that moment your precious baby comes screaming into the world.  That's just the first nine months.  There's also that first night you survive getting up every couple of hours, that swelling in your heart when that soft little head lays against your chest, and that first bath when you have managed to keep the baby above water but soak yourself.

So many milestones and we take so many of them for granted.  Notice them, as many as possible.

Lately I've noticed a few and I'm so grateful I took the time to catch them.  My baby girl, my Bella boo, is reaching and grasping.  She loves to beat up her butterfly on her car seat, smack the bugs attached to her bouncy seat, and shake her rattles until she forgets how to let go.  My itty bitty baby has become aware of her surroundings and is interacting with them.  I'm so proud of her and can't wait to see what new thing she figures out next.

I've also noticed that my snuggle bear, my Angel has accomplished so much recently.  In fact, today alone we had two huge accomplishments.  The first being he mimicked Mommy saying ball.  He's never done that before and I was so proud.  There was lots of encouraging words and clapping and cookies involved.  The second was that he passed his target goal of commands.  Commands being his attempt at communicating be it vocally or with signs.  A "normal" child his age has 900 commands a day.  Angel's target goal in a four hour period is 50.  When his ABA therapist left today Angel had 57 commands on the counter.  For most moms this may not seem like much but to this mom is it a huge deal.

These are the milestones that make up my days.  All those precious ones that are occurring in Bella's first year.  Every tiny new thing she does that makes my heart swell is so amazing.  I'm so proud of her and so in awe of her as she explores her new world.  She makes me want to pull all my hair out some days but she is still my favorite daughter, still the most beautiful girl in the world, and still one of the loves of my life.

All those amazing things Angel accomplishes in overcoming the obstacles of autism make my heart swell as well.  I am so proud of how much he has learned and succeeded at in this journey.  I'm so proud of how proud he is at everything new he is learning to do.  There are moments I wish he could just tell me what he wants or how he's feeling but he is still my favorite son, still the most handsome boy in the world, and still one of the loves of my life.

Life is full of milestones.  For your children, for yourselves, for everyone.  Take the time to notice them, to celebrate them.  They are all amazing and that are markers in this journey we call life.

Thankful

So in my household we don't really do the whole turkey Thanksgiving thing. Growing up the fourth Thursday of November meant three things. Turkey and football and falling asleep. Well, I don't really like turkey and football and without the first two I never did the third. So it became the holiday I could live without. As an adult it came to mean it was time to put up the Christmas tree and start celebrating the season. It's not that I wasn't thankful for things in my life. I just never associate them with that one particular day.

This year is different. This year I'm thankful for so much I have to share it with the world.

I am grateful for the obvious being my husband and my kids. Nick has always loved me for exactly who I am and called me beautiful for the start. Angel and Bella are the two perfect things I have ever done in my life. I know my entire purpose in being is so I can be there mother and love them the way they love me.

I am grateful for my parents. They always find a way to help me even when they are struggling themselves. They love my kids like no other grandparents have ever loved grandkids before. There is no better Grandpa, Nannie, or Mom-mom in the world.

I'm grateful for my sister and my awesomely perfect niece. Though we don't talk as often as I'd like because of our lives I know my sister loves and supports me and when I really need her she is there. As for my niece, she's an endless smile for me because she is beautiful and smart and will always be Auntie's Monkey.

I'm grateful to the army. Though they get on my nerves and drive me crazy every chance they get I'm grateful my husband has a job every day, that we have a home for our family, and that they provide such great insurance so that my husband, myself, and our kids get everything they need to be healthy.

I'm grateful to Savannah Perinatology for the amazing care I got the 36 weeks I was pregnant with my Bella Boo. My baby girl was a handful from conception and they made sure she was healthy right up to the day she came 3 1/3 weeks early.

I'm grateful to Live Oaks Children's Therapy and Ms. Kristin for helping Angel with his speech therapy. Every week I notice him attempting some new word or sign and that makes my heart swell with happiness.

I'm grateful to Chatterbox Pediatric Therapy and Mrs. Kimber for helping Angel with his occupational therapy. Every time my little boy looks into my eyes I'm overjoyed at the progress he has made.

I"m grateful for so many little things as well. I'm grateful for the way Bella smiles when you look at her. The way she babbles and ohs and ahs endlessly as if she is telling you the greatest story and you have all day to listen. I'm grateful she sleeps through the night so that I can too. I am grateful she is a happy, healthy baby girl despite her early entrance to the world. I'm grateful for the way Angel smiles at me from across the room because we've made eye contact. I'm grateful for his love of books and how he spends hours playing with them, turning page after page. I'm grateful for all the endless hugs he gives me because I know some parents aren't that lucky. I'm grateful for his autism because it's made me realize that even if his life might be harder than most kids it will be the happiest life because he loves and is loved. What more could a child ask for?

I'm grateful for the strength and the patience and the heart that is require of being a mom and a wife. For the ability to never go without anything I actually need. For the chance to live so close to Savannah so that I may enjoy it when ever I like. For my dishwasher since I hate washing dishes. For Lieu, who may not get the attention she deserves all the time but is still the best dog in the world.

I'm grateful for my life because it is mine to do whatever I wish with and it is such an amazing life. What more could I ask for?

Perfection

Three months ago I brought into the world a beautiful baby girl who weighed 8 lbs 3 oz, was 19 1/2 inches long and had a head full of black hair just like her big brother. In the last three months I have learned a great deal about my Bella Ann. She is strong. She's been holding her head up since the day she was born. She is alert. She see everything I do. She is active. She moves constantly and never sleeps. She has an opinion. She talks all day long. She is happy. She smiles at me every time I look at her and my heart swells with how much I love her. She is my diva princess because as far as Bella is concerned the world revolves around her. Though there are moments she makes me want to pull my hair out and put her on mute she is my perfect little girl. I wouldn't trade her or change her for anything in the world. She is exactly who she is meant to be and because of that I am the mother she is meant to have. I know in years to come we will but heads. We will disagree and there will be those dreaded moments when she says she hates me. She is and always will be my perfect little girl though. She is the love of my life.

Almost two years ago I brought into the world a beautiful baby boy who weighed 7 lbs, was 20 1/2 inches long and had a head full of black hair just like his mommy. In the last two years I have learned a great deal about my Angel. He is kind. He will bring me his favorite toys to hold all the time. He is smart. He will do something until he figures it out. He is handsome. He gets complimented every time I take him somewhere. He is loveable. He will come over for a hug at any random moment and want to be held for as long as you will hold him. He is determined. It is his way or no way and that's all there is to it. He is happy. He smiles at me every time I look at him and my heart swells with how much I love him. He is my snuggle bear because as far as Angel is concerned there is no better place to be in then in my arms. Though there are moments he makes me want to pull my hair out and put him on mute he is my perfect little boy. I wouldn't trade him or change him for anything in the world. I know in years to come we will but heads. We will disagree and there will be those dreaded moments when he says he hates me. He is and always be my perfect little boy though. He is the love of my life.

My children are my world. They are everything I have ever done right in my life. Nothing and no one can tell me they are not the perfect little people I know they are. Even their flaws are perfection to me because their flaws make them who they are.

All that being said I learned soemthing today that changed how I see my son.

Today sitting in a little office with a very kind doctor while my son played with his racecar and my daughter slept in her carseat my perfect little boy was diagnosed with autism. He falls on the spectrum between low and moderate and because we caught it so early the doctor has high hopes that with therapy he will make a great deal of progress. Along with referrals for ABA, language therapy, continued speech therapy, occupatonal therapy for daily activities, and Babies Can't Wait the doctor said the best thing he had to help him is the mom who loves him so much she knew to get him help early, the mom who knew him so well she knew something was differenct about him, the mom who knew no label in the world could ever change how much she loved her little boy.

I'm that mom. You see that diagnosis did change how I see my son. I don't see him as autisc now. I don't see him as flawed. I don't see him as "special." I don't see him as having something wrong with him. What I see when I look at my perfect little boy is a perfect little boy who is stronger then his mommy, braver than his daddy, and more perfect than I could have ever imagined because he was given this mountain to climb and I know he will conquer it.

Today I don't mourn my child getting a label, being grouped with others to be called flawed, or being somehow less than any other child. Yes, I'm sad because I know this means his life will be harder than that of most kids his age, but it doesn't not make me love him any less or view him as less than the beautiful, perfect gift he is to me.

I still have a million questions. I'm still no sure what all this means for my son and our family. There are two things I do know though.

My kids are perfect and I love them completely.

I am NOT a bad mom!

I am so tired of hearing I'm a bad mom. No one ever actually says the words but they sure do like to make me feel like I am. Why? I have no idea but maybe it's because I actually like spending time with my son. When I'm with him he makes me laugh all the time. Just watching him play is amusing sometimes. Seeing him express himself and explore and the way he grins and wrinkles his nose are so funny to me. I laugh at and with him every day. Not to mention the affection I get from him. I love the way he snuggles when I first get him out of bed and the way he will randomly walk up to me and hug me in the middle of playing. Who else in the world is going to give you such unbiased, unconditional love, right? Then there is watching him grow up. Every day I see him do something new, discover something he can do that he never could before and I am so proud of him. Nothing about my time with my son is ever mundane or taken for granted and every day with him is the most amazing blessing to me.

Especially when I think back on how long I waited for him and how close I came to losing him. He is such an amazing gift that I genuinely enjoy every day of my life and I know that he loves being with me as well. Being his mom is the reason I was put on this earth.

So Angel gets my undivided attention daily. That means if he cries I'm there to determine if he needs a hug or not, but I'm still there. So if he's "whining" it's because he knows I'll be there whether he is hurt or just wants attention. It also means that no one will watch him the way I do so I won't leave him with just anyone. It doesn't mean anything to me if you like your co-workers and they have 8 kids. Their kids aren't my kids and just because I won't trust my son with anyone doesn't mean I'm "one of those moms." It means I actually care about who my son is being left with. I'm also not going to just leave my son with someone so I can just sit at home alone and do nothing. He is not a burden for me to get rid of. He is my child.

Yes, I have days where he gets on my every last nerve, but I'm human and so is he. I'll still take those days over not having him at all.

Angel is not an "asshole" or "whiney" or a "Momma's boy." He is my son, my child that I brought into this world and who is the love of my life. I am not "one of those moms" that is paranoid about how the world is going to treat her baby. I am Angel's mom and I will spend the rest of my life putting him first in every decision I make just as I do with Bella.

So instead of assuming I'm a bad mom because my kid loves me and I love him maybe you should consider whether or not you're a good parent if you don't think you're as lucky as I am. Either way keep your opinions of my parenting to yourself.

You have to love life's little surprises

The day I found out I was pregnant with my son I almost didn't believe it. We had been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half and after being disappointed over and over again a part of me had all but given up hope. A heart can only break so many times before there is nothing left to shatter and I didn't want my life to come down to this one thing. I set that dream aside ready to admit that maybe it wasn't meant to be realized. When you tell yourself that and then find out it's come true you almost aren't sure it's real. How many times I saw negative I lost count. Maybe this one was wrong that said positive. Wrong or not though, that hope came back and when the doctor confirmed it I knew one thing for sure. My baby was a miracle. I didn't care if I was having a boy or a girl. I honestly just wanted a happy healthy baby. For nine months I did everything I could to put my baby first and the day I found out I was having a boy I was overjoyed. A son! What better gift could a mom ask for? I was already in love with this tiny little life I hadn't even met yet. I was even okay when my water broke four weeks early. I was worried more about me then him. Was I ready to be the mom he deserved? It never occurred to me that I should be worried about him, my perfect little miracle. Then he was here and I was scared and worried and faced the worst days of my life. In the end though, Angel Joaquin was perfect and nearly a year and a half later he still is. My first year as a mom was amazing and it had its share of ups and downs like parenthood does. I wouldn't have traded it for the world though. My son is my miracle and I look at him like that every day, even the bad days. When his first birthday approached I decided I would wait at least another year before having another baby. I thought it the best decision as an adult, a parent, and for Angel. I was completely content to focus on my son. Life is full of surprises though... A week after Angel's first birthday I got notified of one of thoses surprises. All the signs were there, but then the signs had been there so many times before without there being a reason. Why should that second little line show up this time when it had been such a lucky miracle before? No one gets two miracles in one lifetime, right? I got my first miracle in the form of a beautiful little boy named Angel Joaquin who has the most beautiful smile and the quickest temper and makes me laugh every day. My second miracle is due is September in the form of a beautiful little girl named Bella Ann who is hyper and moves constantly and loves when her brother lays his head on Mommy's tummy. A daughter. I'm going to have a daughter that I will adore as much as I adore my son. What did I ever do to be so blessed? Though I'm not planning any more children after Bella I know life is full of surprises and I will be thrilled with any that come my way.

How do you know?

Every decision you make in life can be the best decision or the worst. You make them because of the decisions others have made or in spite of them. You pray they are the right ones. You prepare for the chance they could be the wrong ones. Sometimes they are a little bit of both.

How do you know? How do you know when you've made the right decision? How do you know it's the right one for everyone? For you, for your spouse, for your children, for your other loved ones, for your friends, for the stranger in the car you passed on the road? Those big decisions and those little ones impact so much of your life and the lives around you. How do you know when they are the right one? How do you take that chance they could be the wrong ones? How do you learn to live with outcome when they are the wrong ones? How do you make a decision and know it's right for everyone?

I've made decisions in my life based on the things I've learned growing up. Some good and some bad. I've made decisions in spite of the things I learned growing up. Also some good and some bad. And I've made decisions that have gone against everything I believed because it meant following my heart.

In my youth, the decisions were quick and careless and had consequences that I muddled through as only the young can. Some changed my life, some changed me. Some even lead me down paths that have made me happy but weren't always the best ones. Then I grew up and my decisions were not so much about being right and wrong and muddling through the wrong ones. My decisions became more about the people I loved and less about me.

So there in lies another how do you know? How do you know when the right decisions are the right ones for everyone? Right for me, right for you, right for us? And what do you do when there is no right decision?

Everyone struggles with these choices. Some of us handle it better then others. Some of us don't handle it at all, but instead keep quiet and let the world do it for us. Some of us push through, grit our teeth through the bad and embrace the good. Some of us never know if the choice we make is the right one.

How do you know? How can you be two people at once? How can you make everyone else happy and yourself at the same time? How do you know when to keep trying? How do you know when to walk away? How do you know if the decision is even yours? How do you know?

Bad blogger for good reasons

I realize I haven't blogged in well over a month and for those of you that are following I'm sorry for that. I have a very good reason though, a few in fact. The main one being this: I'm a Mommy!

I have spent the last couple of months putting most of my focus on my son in an effort to help him reach those one-year-old milestones. As has been the case with most of Angel's milestones, he tends to accomplish them during the later half of the scale. He sat up on his own later, crawled later, and now seems to want to walk later. He is almost fourteen months now and has only taken a random single step here and there. I know he will walk when he is ready, but that does not mean that Mommy can't give him help and encouragement to accomplish this goal. I've also been spending more time working on words with him. It has come to my attention that once Angel says a word he doesn't really feel the need to repeat it again... ever! In fact, the only word he does say on a regular basis is Momma. And when I say regular I mean regular. Momma, momma, momma, momma momma, momma, momma, momma, momma, momma, momma. Over and over and over and over again. Some days it's amusing and some days I have the urge to find earplugs. He has said all the normal words required of his age but since saying them once or twice he refuses to say them again and finds in quite amusing when Mommy tries to get him to say them. Stubborn and I have no idea where he gets it from. :-)

Then there was that added surprise back in January. Have you ever had the feeling something was happening and yet you just know that can't be it? Word of advice, always accept the feeling is right.

For those of you that may not have heard, I'm pregnant! Yup, it's true. I'm 12 1/2 weeks and due early September. I have never in my life been more shocked or surprised by anything as I was when I found out I was expecting Sweet Pea.

With Angel, he was still a surprise but something of an expected one since we had been trying for a year and a half to conceive. So his timing was a surprise but the blessing that is Angel had been planned for a long time. Sweet Pea, on the other hand, was a total and complete shocker. Such a shock, in fact, I almost hyperventilated when I saw that second line show up meaning positive. Never for a moment, even that first shocking one, did I not want him/her, but Nick and I had recently even talked about waiting another year for a second child. To tell you the truth, the thought of two kids under the age of two was a little scary. Some fears you just have to embrace and conquer though.

So between an independent, crazy toddler and the early stages of pregnancy I've been juggling a lot, but no more the most moms.

I promise to blog more with updates on my pregnancy, Angel's accomplishments, the life of an Army wife and marriage in general, and just being me!

Blessings in the new year

I'm not a resolutions kind of person when it comes to the new year. My thought is resolutions are generally lies we tell ourselves so we can feel better about starting a new year. :-) I don't bother. A new year is just that, a new year. I've never considered it to be anything more than a change in the calendar.

I've changed though. Maybe it has more to do with my son's birthday then the change in the calendar but every new year is a new beginning now. It's another year I get to watch Angel grow and change and become the amazing boy I know he will be. With that thought I get to see my family grow and change as well.

I get to see myself grow and change as a mother. I get to watch my husband grow and change as a father. I even get to see my marriage grow and change as we juggle being a couple and parents.

My son is the most amazing gift in my life. Every moment of every day is my greatest blessing and I'm so thankful for every second I get to have him in my life. He brings me so much joy and love and he teaches me so much as well. Angel makes me a better person and that makes me love him even more.

My husband is the most amazing man in my life. Though we have our rough moments we push through and we love each other more and more. We support each other and we are grateful for each other. We struggle to find that balance between couples and parents and sometimes we get lost but we always find our way back to each other and the love we share.

It's a new year yet again and this one is better then the last. This year I am even more grateful for last year and for the year ahead of me. This year I know more love with my husband and my son. This year I know more joy. This year I know more hope.

This year I am grateful for all the my blessing that I start with and for all the ones ahead of me.

Happy birthday, Angel!

A year ago today, after fifteen hours of labor, I brought into this world a beautiful miracle. Angel Joaquin Corzo was born weighing 7 pounds and was 20 1/2 inches long. My son was for weeks premature and had a rough couple of first days but he was strong and beautiful and perfect. I have never in my life been more in love then that first moment I saw his crazy hair and big nose. My baby, my son, my Angel.

The last year has been an amazing journey watching him go from that tiny helpless baby to my independent, vocal, active, opinionated little boy. Good days and bad days. Long nights and fun days. Sickness and teething. Rolling over and learning to crawl. All those incredible moments when I marvel at the miracle that is him.

Today my Angel is a year old. No longer a baby, he is a toddler. He has taken his first step, spoken his first words, learn to express his emotions, and made me love him motte and more every day.

Happy birthday, Angel! Thank you for letting me watch you grow and learn in the last year. Thank you for being such an amazing blessing. Thank you for being my Peanut! I love you!