Thursday, June 23, 2011

Push through it

I took my son for a walk the other day. Doesn't seem like much, right? Mommies take their babies on walks all the time. This isn't the first time I took him on a walk either. The difference is this time hurt.

I know I've mentioned my broke leg/ankle before but let me add a little more. I pulverized the bone in my leg that sent fractures down into my ankle and did permanent damage to the surrounding nerves and muscles. This means for the rest of my life I will limp and for the rest of my life every step I take will be painful. Most days the pain is nothing. I've become so use to it that its almost like it doesn't hurt anymore. It does though. Every step, every time I stand up, even sometimes when I sit if I brace my foot in the wrong way. That's my life though and four years ago I had to learn to deal with the consequences of my accident.

I have a beautiful little boy now that I adore with all my heart. I can not wait for the days I can chase him around the house and play soccer with him outside. I will be that mom too because I have learned there are some things more important then pain.

Like going on a walk with your son. Some days there is more pain then others and the thought of walking from the bedroom to the living room is painful. Then you add in the swelling and you could just shoot me and put me out of my misery. Then I hear my son talking and I know he's hungry. Or he needs a diaper change. Or he just wants a hug from him Mommy. So I push through the pain because he is more important then my pain. Just like I know if I needed to, if he needed me to, I could walk ten miles barefoot, stand for twelve hours on hot coals, work for four years at a job I couldn't stand. There are more important things then pain.

So today's lesson is this. Push through it. Find that something that is more important to you. Your child, your siblings, your job, your friends, your dreams. Whatever you need it to be you find it. Then you push through your pain because there are things more important in life then your pain. Don't wallow in it, don't be defined by it. I won't be.

When I die I will not be remember as the woman with the limp who always hurt. I will be remembered as a mom who loved her son, a wife who was proud of her husband, a woman who went after her dreams. Every day I push through it because every day I know if I push through it I get stronger. If I get stronger then I am stronger for the people I love. I could sit all day and wallow in my pain. Or I could push through it and embrace my very blessed life.

What's your choice?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

More then DNA

Its amazing how life works. The choices that we make compared to the choices we thought we would make. The roads we go down when we once thought the roads were permanently blocked off. What's that saying? Life is what happens when you are busy planning. Man, isn't that the truth!

It's Father's Day. This time last year I was a month and a half pregnant and had no idea what lay ahead of me. I had no idea what kind of father my husband was going to be. We both wondered as he hadn't had the best example in the world. I had faith though. We are not always the people our parents are after all.

Today we have a son who is almost six months old and I can say one thing with absolutely certainty. My husband is a good father. Or a good Papi as we call him in our house. He isn't the best but no one is. He tries to be though. He changes diapers and makes bottles. He has even begun to feed our Angel his cereal and let me tell you that is not always an easy task.

He has his moments when Angel's temper tantrums get the best of him, but so have I. And unfortunately, he doesn't have the privilege of staying home every day to learn all of Angel's little tricks that make him happy. He tries though and he listens when I try to tell him what to do.

My husband talks to our son and he makes him laugh. When he walks into a room Angel lights up and in that I see the love they share. There are moments when only Papi can make it better. As the Mommy that stays home all day and knows all the tricks that stings. As the wife and Mommy who wants her guys happy and to love each other that makes my heart swell.

Nick is not the best father and he has not had the best examples to become one. He is young and he is learning and he is doing the very best he can. He may not be the best father but for Angel he is the very best Papi and that is all that matters. It takes more the DNA to make a father. It takes time and devotion and love. My husband has given all those to our son. What more could a mom ask for.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. You have been given a miracle. Enjoy it!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Terrified

Snakes, flying, spiders, the dark, the monster under the bed. People are scared of all kinds of things. Rational and irrational. When you are scared you are scared and there is nothing wrong with that. Fear makes us human. It tells us we are alive and that we are not perfect.

Right now my son is scared of loud, unexpected noises like most five-month-olds. My husband is scared of roaches but don't tell him I told you that. When my sister was little she was sure the monster under the refrigerator was going to get her. Till I was about ten I was scared of snakes.

Today I am terrified of something real. Its not tangible and you can't hear it or taste it, but it is as scary to me as the snakes twenty years ago. Want to know what it is?

This. This blog, these words, my life that you are reading about. Telling you my story, expressing my thoughts and emotions to the world is the scariest thing to me. Knowing you are out there in the world judging me and the way I write makes me cringe.

Yet I have faced that fear. I have taken a chance and opened myself up to the world. Maybe you hate what I write. Maybe it makes you angry sometimes or you think I'm lousy at it. There is a part of me that wants to cry at the thought that someone won't like what I write because this is me. This is so personal to me it's like being naked to the world. I think I'd rather be naked.

I am taking this chance though. I am exposing my greatest love about myself to you. I would like you to embrace it. I want you to enjoy it and to praise me. I want you to think I am the greatest writer ever and everything I write is amazing.

I would be happy though if you just like it and if you don't then you can just keep that to yourself.

I am terrified of every word I write being read. That is my greatest dream for myself though. I guess to achieve one I have to face the other.

Love me, but if you don't... Well I guess it's like being afraid of the dark. I can always go back to writing just for me like you can always turn the light on in the dark. Of course, you could love me and that would be my nightlight in the dark.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Bumps in the road

Life is filled with bumps in the road. If it was all smooth sailing then it really wouldn't be much of a life. Kind of boring, in fact, and you would probably just end up sleeping through most of it.

However, the bumps aren't exactly fun to survive sometimes either. There is that heart in your stomach feeling and that jarring when you hit the ground before you start moving forward again. Definitely not fun. Especially the part where you are hitting the ground and you just want to give up.

I know that feeling far too well. And I hate it. Sometimes I just want to lay down and give up. Screw it! It isn't worth it! I'm tired! I'm done! I don't want to anymore! You name it and I have felt it. Wouldn't that be so much easier after all? When it gets hard just walk away. Find something else. Sometimes it is find someone else.

Then again maybe that wouldn't be easier. Isn't it those bumps that make us stronger, that makes our relationships better? I mean if you can survive the hard stuff doesn't that make the good stuff so much better?

I have had a lot of bumps in the road lately. Bumps about myself, bumps in my marriage, bumps about being a mom, bumps about my family in general, even bumps about following my dreams. I have had moments where I doubt I should have done any of it and maybe I am meant to fail at everything I try. That's the best or should I say worst part about the bumps. They always make you doubt yourself and the choices you've made.

All I can say is push through it. Hold on tight and keep going. If you need to cry go ahead and shed the tears. If you need to scream, take a deep breath and let it loose. If you need to walk away from it all for a while then do that too. Just make sure you don't forget the smooth sailing that got you to that bump or the smooth sailing that always comes afterwards.

It is going to get hard. You are going to want to give up. I know I do sometimes. Just hang in there. The bumps always smooth out eventually.

And sometimes they don't. Sometimes you're on a path that's nothing but bumps. Sometimes you've got to change course and that's okay too. You're the only one that knows. Just remember the bumps make you stronger and whether you change course or not you'll always smile again.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Better by me

I am far from the most unselfish person in the world. I have begun to think about myself less and less though as I became a wife and mother. There just always seems to be something more important to me then me. A house that needs to be cleaned, Angel's laundry needs to be folded, Nick's class A's need to be ironed, the dogs need a bath. When all that is done I'll sit down. When I'm finished I'll eat something. When I think about it I'll get a haircut. It's not that they maybe more important but just feel more important to me in that moment.

I don't mind though. I like helping my husband. I want my son to be happy and have everything he wants and needs. I need to spend more time with my dogs so they know I still love them even though we have another person in our family. I enjoy having a clean house that I can walk barefoot in and my baby can play on the floor. Nick's haircuts are more important then mine because they are work related. Angel is growing so fast he needs clothes more then I do. My dogs, Lieu and Charlie, are outside in the heat and dirt so they need to be brushed and bathed to feel comfortable. These things matter more to me then sitting down to rest or read my books or watch my shoes without having to hit pause 16 times and I'm okay with that.

I need to do better by me though so I can do better by the people in my life. I'm running myself ragged, my hair is frizzy from needing a haircut, I haven't bought new clothes that didn't have to do with being pregnant in over a year. I'm a mess because I'm trying so hard to keep everything else from becoming a mess.

If I'm too tired then I can't play with my son. If I have crazy hair and ragged clothes then I can't be beautiful for my husband. If I'm too busy scrubbing the walls I can't love on my dogs. Not too mention if I am too tired, ragged and busy then I can't enjoy being me.

So I am going to start being better by me. I'm going to sit down once in a while. I'm going to get a haircut... soon. Maybe I'll get my nails done this week. As for the new clothes, well I've lost 8 pounds this week so maybe I'll put shopping off for a bit till I see where that goes.

I am going to start taking better care of myself for me and for my family. Get more sleep, eat better, exercise more, and take some time for myself. If I don't put me first once in a while then there could come a day when I'm not around to put anyone else first. I'm not going to let that happen.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Missing the old days, looking forward to all the new

I'm exhausted. I think I say that at least once a week if not once a day. It has become my motto. I have a five-month-old, a husband who likes to stay up late, two dogs that have noisy dreams and pace a lot, a house to clean, and it tends to be 90 plus degrees outside all the time now. I have every reason in the world to be exhausted.

Ten years ago this would have been nothing for me. I would have stayed up all night and gone to work and still stayed up till a decent hour the following night. I had an interesting life and I wanted to experience as much of it as possible. I had just recently broken free of my shell and I suppose I was trying to fit the twenty years I had missed in as little time as possible.

Then four years ago I was in a car accident that had a huge impact on my life. I didn't nearly die, but it is a miracle that I didn't. In fact, all I got was a shattered leg/ankle and a totalled car. It wasn't so simple though. I broke the bone in my leg just above my ankle sending fractures done into my ankle. I damaged nerves and muscles that to this day do not work like they once did. This whole ordeal caused two surgeries, three titanium plates, thirteen screws, physical therapy, a month of bed rest and six months in a wheelchair. Now I still walk with a limp and I have a scar that extends from my ankle up my leg about six inches. It isn't pretty.

Healing from something like that is exhausting and it seems that ever since then I haven't gotten enough sleep. Then you add in a few more years, a job I absolutely loathed and despised, a pregnancy followed by a beautiful baby and you see. I never did catch up on my sleep.

Even as I am typing this I have yawned numerous times. I considered laying back down when my son, Angel, took his nap but there are things to do. I have to sleep the walls when my dogs sleep then give my dogs a bath. I need to wash my sheets and Angel's. I'm sure there are other things I haven't realized yet and when I think I've got it all done I have to make dinner at right about the time Angel will decide he is hungry.

I miss the days of staying up all night and never really feeling tired. Or getting one good night's sleep and feeling like I could do it all over again for a week.

I wouldn't trade these days for anything though. I may be yawning but right after I yawn I am laughing at my son who has recently discovered his toes and how much fun they are. I could use a nap but instead I would rather have my clean house. I could rest on the couch but my dogs deserve to be as clean as I am and they need some TLC.

Yes, I miss the energy I use to have, but I am looking forward to all the days I will enjoy between my yawns because they are going to be so much more important to me then any amount of sleep.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Notice me

I hate being taken for granted or ignored. It has driven me crazy my whole life. Not only is it basic common courtesy to acknowledge someone and what they have done, but if they are doing something for you the acknowledging it is the least you can do.

When I was younger and did the dishes I wanted the thank you that never came. Don't get me wrong. I know my mother provided a home and clothes and food and I am thankful for that. When I cleaned the house as a kid though I never heard a thank you. It was expected and so didn't deserve gratitude. At least that's what I thought way back then which is why I stopped doing dishes until I was about thirty. I wanted to be appreciated for that little bit of help.

As an adult that has not changed. I do a lot and I think there are people in my life who don't realize all I do. Yes, I get thank you's but sometimes it would be nice for someone to offer help.

Just like no matter the words I am speaking it would be nice to be acknowledged. Whether you like what I am saying or not. You don't have to like it and you don't have to hang around and listen to it. If you are though then tell me you hear me. I hate repeating myself.

I haven't slept in for the last five months. Though I wouldn't trade a single day as a mommy I have begun to tease my son that when he is a big boy I'm going to teach him to make his own cereal and watch cartoons. It isn't quite 9 a.m yet and I have already fed my son, cooked my own breakfast, done dishes, vacuumed the living room, gone through my emails, cleaned his toys, and put him back down for a nap. My husband has yet to get out of the bed.

People mock stay at home mothers because we don't get paychecks. Do you realize how much more difficult your day would be if we weren't?

When I hold open a door for you say thank you. When I leave my son alone with you for only the second time don't mock me because I am trying to make sure you know everything you need to. Just tell me thank you for trusting you with him. When you come home to a clean house, a hot meal, and get to sleep in once a day every weekend tell me you appreciate that because I never get to. When you bumped me in the grocery store and I'm the one to apology even though you hit me don't just walk away without a word. When we are sitting in traffic and it's 100* outside and I let you pull out in front of me raise a hand in thanks because now you'll get to get home just a little quicker to your family.

I am a human being. I deserve to be noticed and appreciated. By my family, my friends, strangers.

I spent twenty years trying to be invisible and make the world happy. Well now I'm making me happy and now you're going to notice me. I am a human being. I'll treat you like one and you'll treat me like one and maybe the world will be a better place for us all.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Getting older

Twenty years ago I was only twelve years old. My little sister was only two. My husband, though we hadn't get met, was only three. I had just recently figured out I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. I had not intentions of marrying or having kids and was unsure if I would go to college.

Oh how things have changed.

I'm thirty-two now. My little sister has become a beautiful woman at twenty-two. My husband, though I tease him about being only twelve, is now twenty-three. I have had a couple of careers, none of which included writing. I am approaching my second anniversary and have the word's cutest baby.

Somewhere along the way I grew up and I grew older. You never think you're going to get older. Sure you spend your youth counting down the days till sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one. Everything after that just seems old when you're waiting to grow up.

I don't feel old though. I feel like I'm finally getting started. Maybe I've spent the last thirty years to figure out what I wanted. Sure I weigh more, sure I have more wrinkles. Of course, I need more then four hours of sleep to function and I don't throw back beers like water anymore. Maybe all of that was killing time till I was ready to really get started with my life.

I still have some questions about where it's going. I am still wondering if I will ever see my name in print. I am still deciding if I have something more to offer the world other then being a wife and mother.

I had a decade of raising other people's children. I spent almost five years serving others and loathing every second. I have had two careers and I have just begun another much more important one.

I have less patience for the stupid people in the world. I am kinder to the less fortunate. I plan ahead now where I use to just wing it.

When I look at myself in the mirror I wonder at the woman who looks back. Does she recognize me? Is she happy with who she sees? Is this who she wanted to see when she grew up? Sometimes I look at her and I try to find the girl she use to be. Is that little girl happy with who she became?

I am getting older and while the days are passing I am noticing a couple of things. I am not the woman I thought I would be but I like this version better. I was going through the motions till it was time for my life to begin. The last thirty years have been practice and lessons learned that I can tell my son about.

I'm getting older and enjoying every moment of it.